Hello

I hope your day was well ... Mine started early about 4 am early.  Then I worked a full day. Which brings up my pet peeve of the day. Why am I working while my coworkers are all laughing and chatting and having a good ol time.  I am slotting this as stress factor number 43.

What else? My nephew B missed the bus , had to go get him... which was fine... We got a snack and hung out and talked for a bit. I drove him home and there were three dogs running on his street, a mixed dog and two little weiner dogs ... I freaked out and had to stop and try to keep them from getting run over . so I open up my car door and the one dog jumps in the little dachsunds were a little more wary... a person across the street was kind enough to help me round them up.They took on the responsibility of the dogs and were trying to find the owners... but that really sank my heart that these awesome pets were out on the street.While doing this these teenagers drove by and one shouted out the window... hey bitch wanna tickle... I was flabbergasted but said not with your small dick... but thanks ...

Took WarEagle to the airport .. he has a job interview in Oklahoma... We are hoping for the right job.. the right time. We will see.

then I came home and Mollie the wonderdog had wigged out in her kennel and had diarrhea... (yay me)

I also had to call my doctor, i am having some problems with my iud. bleeding every two weeks... cramping. My doctor says it is normal  it has only been a couple months .

Things are great really. Have really been enjoying life. WarEagle sent me roses and a bear and chocolates for valentines... Then he took me to see Gordy Brown. It was awesome. He is sooooo talented, and funny.

::Warning:: I was cleaning a pan using a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. The next day my fingertips were hurting and there were little round dots where my fingerprints USED to be... I magic erased my fingertips .. not permanently mind you ... but long enough to know it hurts... ::sheesh::  This would prolly be a good thing... if I was looking for a life of crime... but yeah I am liking the straight and narrow... lol

I pick up the WarEagle tomorrow and then it is off to a good weekend. I can't wait for two weeks... Disney vacation... woot woot. So excited. WarEagle has never been and it will be my first time in a long time to go. We are going to stay in a suite in the Marriott and just really enjoy time with each other. ::excitement::

me and mollie are very tired and it is time to sleep... have a great night everyone... xoxox

Hello Long time .. not write...

Sorry I have been gone so long but ... loads going on. Very busy at work and with my new candle company and really trying to stay on track with things.

My WarEagle is out of town and I am getting ready for bed and thinking that it is going to be a cuddle-less night. ::sigh:: I find such comfort and satisfaction knowing that he is here sleeping with his chest against my back, arm over my waist or over my hip.  I love the luxury of being in his arms. It is something that I am not able to sleep without.

BUT... it is also a very big opportunity that is waiting for us if all goes well.

I have had a VERY busy day. Had plans with a friend of mine from 6th grade on... and we had a great time . Went and saw the Lovely Bones. I read the book so it was interesting to see Peter Jacksons' interpretation of the book. I found it very good. But that is just me. I love the girl who played Susie Salmon ... she was in another movie I saw , called " I'm not your woman" with Michelle Pfeiffer and Paul Rudd ... totally hilarious movie and the girl is soooo talented .. she sings and acts so naturally.

Lisa and I had a great time ... salad lunch ... movie and popcorn ... and then girl chit chat for a couple hours. We caught up on everything. We really do have more than average stuff in common.

Then I went to my sister's condo and hung out with her for a bit. She is seperated for the time being and we just hung out and talked since it is her husbands night for the boys .

My nephew B is having a rough time. Very depressed and verge of very bad things right now. My sister and I talked and laughed and laughed and talked . it was a really great time.

Read a really lovely book called "Crooked Kind of Perfect" It was written as a young person's book , but I really enjoyed it.  I feel kind of crooked. but life seems perfect to me right now.

I am really really having a good time.

Last weekend , we went and had a mini staycation at the Fiesta Hotel and Casino , Stayed in a gorgeous room , went to movies ate dinner, gambled a little ... romped like bunnies alot. Slept in a huge ass bed.

Slept in ... had breakfast buffet... watched football and then went home.

I have been a little sick with a sinus infection and double ear infection. It went untreated for like three weeks because I thought it was "just a cold" it wasn't.

However, I was using some preventative treatments that did help me from getting super sick. I reccomend them if you are feeling a little nasal-y or cold-ish or allergy prone. I bought a neti pot and sinus wash and It is the grossest and unpleasant thing to do .. but I gotta say I do it twice a day and I can actually BREATHE for the first time in a long time. It totally helps me to breathe fully out of both nostrils . I also have been adding alot of lemon to my water as it is a good de-toxer ... and listerine to keep bacteria out of my throat and mouth.

I said bacteria.... other things are ok.

Starting back at the gym this week as I haven't been feeling well enough to go.

What else. Oh yes had the IUD put in and had it checked. things are good there. I will say that the iud was so  painful to put in that, it made me reconsider ever having sex ever again. But I got over that two days later.

Things are looking really good.

I have decided to take a step back from my expectations of things and just try to go with the flow again. It is hard to do because i have this innate urge to control the situation. When in all reality .. I am not in control of jack .

jack shit that is.

Yesterday was a stressful day for me, but it was because I got caught up in expectations instead of just enjoying the things that happened during the day. I finally relaxed around 5 or 6 pm.In time for us to go to a party at Wareagles buddies house. We went to a bbq and there was a whole mess of folks there . Two of the guys were talking to me and telling me that they were UFC fighters they train with Forrest Griffin . I totally heart Forrest Griffin ... because he is funny. a little tooooo self depricating but LOVE him.

One of the gentlemen sitting there had a slight accent and I asked where he was from originially, I thought perhaps he was italian. But turns out he is from Croatia. He will be in the UFC 110 in Australia . His name is Goran Relijic ? ... well I am not sure HOW to spell his name but he was super cool and very kind.

I had a fun time watching him play the Wii with whatever the other guys name was.

Made a lot of good candle contacts.

Wareagle was having alot of fun talking sports and just hanging out. We don't really drink so we were having soda's or water the whole night.

We came home and packed his stuff for his trip ... and slept.

and now it is time for me to sleep again...

he called me to tell me he loves me and that he misses me.

I told him that I am proud of him and excited for this appointment for him. I told him that I loved him and that I missed our nightly giggle session. It is hard to sleep without my own personal comedian.

Well.. second thought I will just sleep quieter ;)

I will try to get on here and write more. I have been finishing my book that I am writing and working on candles.. I am a busy girl . I am totally read for a REAL vacation.

Sleep tight blogland until we meet again.

I hope that you have had a splendid Christmas.

I have had a Christmas.

Two days before , I went to the doctor to have an iud put in . I don't plan for any children ... and I know wareagle doesn't want any.

 The miscarriage was very hard last year .. don't wan t to go through that again. While I was there I found out the reason my pregnancies do not  get past a certain point.

Apparently my cervix is upside down and uterus inverted.

so I am defective and my body is the reason my babies were never born. laying to rest the age old suspicion that it was me ...

and it was.

broke one cell phone and lost another ... so phoneless. sheesh who knew it was so freaking nerve wracking.

Got some lovely bras and panties for christmas.

my sister got me a coach coin purse .

wareagle had gotten me a dragonfly pendant necklace.

i had been hoping for a promise ring. but I don't think he has me on the agenda for mrs. wareagle.

why buy the cow when you can milk it for free....

or

why buy the whole freakin popsicle truck when the ice cream is free...

Talked to the doctor about my worsening depression. She thinks it is situational upon my menstrual cycle...

so we revert back to my uterus that I hate with every breath I take.

Have been terribly sad ... and I can't seem to pull out of the pit.

More and More stress with living with my parents ... i am forty plus years old and it just feels awful to have to live here.

i guess that things are what they are...

thank you to those of you who read me ... i kind of feel as tho I am screaming into the wind.

I hope that you had a magical merry christmas.. and that your new year is adventurous and full of love...

be well my friends.

Ok so , I am feeling a lot better.  Not as psychotic as before. I am trying ... really trying to be a better human being.  Trying to not jump to conclusions ... or step into old fears... old worries. Apparently from the last few days I have not evolved much... right?

Still very weepy but I think that next week is mad cow... yep pms is hanging like a thick cloud and is affecting my emotions and pretty much is affecting... everyone around me.

Crying ... alot.

mostly because christmas carols make me cry.

some because I am really missing Samson ...

Going to the doctor for a minor procedure on Tuesday..

Made a bunch of candles yesterday, and will finish making them tomorrow which means shipping candles on Saturday.

Everyone's Christmas orders will be afoot soon soon soon,.

may be expanding the webstore here .....

decided to share  something beautiful for Christmas....

So , I have been thinking alot today about yesterday's events.

Here is my take on what has happened.  WarEagle went to Cali on a business trip, I dropped him off at the rentacar place at 5 am and a little later he texted me saying that his friend *** had decided to go to.

But now that I have really thought about this ... for the last week or so he has stressed he needed a bigger car .. that he needed something "roomy" -- ok ...

I think that he has planned for *** to go for awhile - he just never told me . In fact I think that he did tell the truth in the fact that she finalized her decision to go yesterday.

But here is the thing.

I do not like sneaky shit. I  lived with that already. It causes distrust... and right now I am not feeling to trusting . I have been thinking whether or not this relationship is as important to him as it is to me.   We had made a commitment to be exclusive.

But I had made a commitment to be exclusive in my marriage... there was sneaky shit there too.

Do I think that WarEagle is cheating?

No not really... but the fact that he feels the need to lie to me to avoid questions nad panic or fear on my part .. really upsets me. Yes he finally came clean when *** decided to go. But he should've let me know what was in the works in the first place.

Right now ... I am not happy .

Things like this put me in very dark places.

So... fun times. called him and she isn't renting car til LA . 

which is not what was indicatedto me on the phone but... whatever...

Then he put her on the phone and she quickly explained to me that 

"she hoped I didn't mind that she tagged along she had to meet a client in

LA and ... that she understands that you (shibs) may want to do the 

Juanster (she calls him don juan) but she has no inclination" 

I see...

Well to make matters worse my blackberry fell on the floor and broke. 

I can't afford a new phone so... cest la vive ... 

I will be incommunicado.

no talk no text ... no life...

::sigh::

gotta say I have good friends tho... zanna was first to reach me 

and make sure I am ok... 

then my jewel... 

I am not even certain how I feel or what I believe... but I am learning

quickly that this is not my favorite day.

oh well...

pouring lots of candles for orders tonite ... 

other than that... I feel like Iam life's bitch.

ok first -- National Finals Rodeo

my fave steer wrassler the booty shakin Luke Branquinho lost on a technicality -- i am SO mad.  I am calling for instant replay in rodeo. Stupid judge called that Luke did not have his hand on the steer when he rolled... WRONG.... Because of this Luke lost 50 k .  and he finished second.

::sigh::

My fave bullridin guy Kanin #78  finished second ...

What else ?

Had a battle with the WarEagle yesterday...

mostly because we have had sexual encounters 4 times this weekend but only one time where I wasn't the on the "giving" end... and actually got to receive ... so morning handjob later and i was frustrated and mad.

I got over it ... until he decided later in the day to say....

"I don't know why YOU give ME a hard time about porn when YOU have a sex blog."

I am sorry but HUH?!

My blog is mostly about my writing ... stuff... and being able to verbalize my feelings...

plus until recently it was really kind of sex LESS.

So then I was furious...

I said... ok ... I will shut my blog down... are you gonna quit looking at porn...

no answer

Then I said ... ok... let's look at it this way ... how does YOUR porn addiction enhance or better our relationship? because you looking at skeezy ho's all day makes me not want YOU to touch me. It feels dirty.

We went to Target and the discussion kind of continued and I told him flat out... why should I keep my promise to you about cutting when you do something that is really kind of painful to me?

....

Truth be known I kind of  feel like it is me who has to change if this relationship is going to work... I have to either accept it and move on or I need to get rid of wareagle. I indicated to him that I was hungry did he want to eat and he said "no no I will go home and eat my sandwich" So I told him I would drop him off and let him eat and then i would go out because i needed to figure stuff out.

When we got back to the house he was really upset that I was dropping him off and told me "well if you need time away from me , fine ... go on"

That wasn't the point .. I was just trying to figure out how to fix me.

but I ended up following him... but he smarted off and I just went in and cut .

He was mad ..."Do you feel better?"

I was pretty indignant.."Yes actually I do"

Then the madre piped in... "Shi I think you need to see a doctor... you are so moody lately- I think you are going through the change."

WTF ... I am angry over an issue and I am going through menopause...

whatthefuckever.

I am not going through menopause ... I am tired of not being touched and my other watching porn to get through his day.

it is taking it's toll... i have been down this route before.

We decided to go back out and I was crying because my mom takes his side... that is painful too.

he hugged me and said that he would work on it.

I would like to be hopeful.

......

We get along so well... he really is my closest friend because he is with me 24/7 ... he knows everything about me... all my faults and he loves me.

I mean he really loves me...

If he didn't he would put up with my hystrionics.

anywho...

life is what it is ... how are things with you?

Alot going on-

Was the WarEagle's birthday ... um 38th birthday yesterday. 

Was a pretty good day.

no sex last night ... too tired.

although he woke up to "him" time this morning.

Was kind of forced to go to my sister's today . Was told that someone I haven't seen for awhile might be there.

I went but it put me in an emotional frenzy ... hopes up to see her... but terrified of being rejected.

then when it didn't happen totally let down.

The little girl I have been helping mya... was there ...

http://hopeformya.blogspot.com 

She was there and she jumped in my arms and gave me kisses and hugged me and fed me apples.Such a sweet little thing.

laying in bed right now .. .dying for sleep. so tired.

but I have sooo much to do.

::sigh::

I want to go to big bear and sleep in a cabin  and lay by the fire.

Friday- I am EXHAUSTED  ... run down mostly.

Everyone at work has this cold that they are sharing with everyone. I have been doing my best to keep clear of it . So ... I have been cloroxing my desk, phone and lysol-ing the area.

Been drinking hot fluids and using a neti pot religiously - keeping up on my zyrtec ... and listerining after I brush to try and kill any bacteria.

But alas ... the cold caught me. My eyes feel bruised and I have been running a fever off and on. Came home yesterday and slept. REALLY SLEPT ... like three hours and then woke up for a bit and went back to bed. Got off early today - felt guh-nasty ... (that is so nasty it has a Guhhh in front of it) laid in bed and watched a movie with WarEagle.

Today is his birthday... tried to do something romantic and sweet and caring. I hope that he liked it. I will go into detail later.

Earlier this week .....

We had fought about the porn thing .. Monday I was sooo upset that he de valued my opinion that I actually left the house. But later while we were in bed we had some "words" . He says I am insecure. If I am he is contributing. That I should be ok with it ... we met on a fetish site... and that I KNEW about it.

Well to be honest I did know but I didn't know that it was as often as it is. :tomato -tomahto:

I didn't want to go to bed angry so I rolled over and kissed him... that kiss led to more kisses and more kisses and then groping and then him ripping my panties off and having some really good sex. Amazing really... I think angry sex is best now.... who knew?

Although something happened that hasn't happened with any other partner ... and I think I am going to have to do a bit more study on female ejaculation. It was a totally weird and different experience , I was feeling a little self conscious about it , because at first I really didn't know what had happened .  It was a very intense feeling but completely different from any other orgasm that I have ever experienced.

That has led to sex every night this week trying to repeat the experience ... because apparently... he digs the experience

who knew?

Got more candle supplies in today totally excited. So Tony I will be calling you as I am making candles on Wednesday and I need to get an idea of what you are wanting.

new scents I got in.... Mulberry (my absolute fave)

more April fresh downey ... (my accountant's fave he buys at least 4 a month)

Home Sweet Home - mmmm

Christmas tree

and Merry Christmas Scent.

I also got my perfume scent Burberry London. (my signature scent)

I am working on formulating a body candle

So all you bdsm lovelies ... I will let you know when it is formulated.

My next big project besides candles is bath and body...

I am going to be working on lotions ... and dead sea salt scrubs.

body spritzers and more.

I would love to get a whole line going .

What else...

NFR is still in town ... LONG LIVE COWBOYS!

totally rooting #100 Matt Reeves in bulldogging

also rooting Luke the bootyshaker in that event. ..

# 79 for bull riding