I make BAD decisions when I am hurt.

Bad choices even.

I purposely do things I know that I shouldn't because I feel this innate sense to self harm.

It is like punishing myself for failing, and I find I fail alot. My human-ness knows know bounds. knows NO limits. I make mistakes daily.

I find also that I self -punish when being punished. Like the punishment being dished out isn't enough to purge the pain of being imperfect.

Punish me .. With your silence.

Punish me .. with your hateful words.. and lack of care.

It makes no difference.

Punish me .. Let me take the blame.

Punish me - The failure is mine.

It still makes no difference.

Love given... Love taken ...Love lost...

Punish me.

Punish me - This is not new to me

Punish me -

I would like .. the easy life.

One that is uncomplicated... or has no speed bumps or pain attached to it.

I want to be able to give my heart to someone without the fear of it being broken .. only for me to have to superglue the pieces back together again. Or wonder if it is even worth the repair.

When you love someone... why is there pain? Why is there hurt and why is there trust or lack there of?  I am a veteran to break ups. I have had more than my share.. and it is never me breaking up with someone else. I am the one that is left. So that leaves me to question...

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I talked to one of my ex boyfriends with whom I remain close.. And I asked him wtf?

This is what he said "YOU are an awesome girlfriend.. the best girlfriend ... I was the dick in the relationship . I took off on you and you didn't deserve that.  If someone leaves you it is THEIR problem.  you are the most loyal .. dependable .. faithful .. kind and sweet girl I have ever known in my life"

That made me feel a little better... but it still leaves me left.

I am never one of those people to just "cut" people out of my life. When I love someone .. I love them forever.  I don't know how to stop that.. Or change that about myself.  How do you carve someone out of your heart.

Isn't that where bitterness begins?

I find that I am holding pieces of my heart today Hoping that it will heal.

You can be hurt by love... and healed by the same ...

When you care deeply about someone .. you run the risk of your heart being broken.

And so it is broken this fragile heart of mine.

they say it will heal .. that timing is everything.

But I am not so sure.

I have not really felt much like writing.

Honestly, I haven't felt like doing much of anything. I have been going through a series of knee injections. My knee hurts all of the fucking time. So the Doctor decided to do synvasc. I am noticing a difference. My knee doesn't pop all the time , and it doesn't hurt the way it did.  So ... SCORE!

I had a pretty good Christmas. My parents drove in from New Mexico and it was really good to see them.  I always seem to suffer a little situational depression at the holidays . That with missing my stepkids and such.  I miss having a family and doing all the things that families do .

I have made a few decisions for my life and we will see how it goes. One is I am giving up soda. I don't feel very good and I will miss you Dr. Pepper but this is somthing that HAS to be done.  I also have decided to take a time out. A time out for relationships . I am tired of looking and I am wanting something a little closer to normal.. even if I am .. not normal.  I am not even sure that makes any sense.

I have met someone who makes me laugh alot and we are seeing where it goes. He is pretty normal

I have not had a lot of internet time with my connection at home so I have really just kind of spent a lot of time being introspective. Trying to figure some shit out .  I have so much going on in my life.. that the quiet is time that I need. I am doing some redecorating in my house... and hanging with my dogs.

I have always loved cold weather... In all honesty it is my favorite time of year.. I love that my favorite holidays are in the winter.

I dream of living somewhere with snow because I luh-ove it ! I would own a snowmobile and I am pretty sure that I would break my ass several times .. from being crazy .

The only thing I can tell you is that winter does NOT love me right now. Apparently knee surgery and cold and humidity do not mesh well. I went for my second MRI of my surgery knee. I am a little nervous as Thursday I have to have my knee jelly shot. No they are not really shooting grape jelly into my knee but this drug called synvasc. I am honestly a little terrified.  I hate feeling bitter towards my body part but truly this knee has been more trouble that it is worth.

Thus begins my fantasy Christmas List 2011

Dear Santa...

I know that I am not always the best girl . But I am a good girl . I am hoping that I made my way on your nice list.

It has been a really tough year with the two surgeries and I guess it would be too much to ask for a brand new knee ... but .. if you happen to have one lying around .. well I won't complain.

I  normally make a fantasy Christmas list of all the things I would like to have but KNOW I will never receive .. so without further ado Santa here is my list .

This year is pretty bleak financially and I am not really expecting gifts , so I will continue to be thankful for my health.. .my family , my dogs , my turtles and all the things this life offers that may seem small or unmentionable.  

Don't worry Santa.. the cookies and and hot chocolate will be waiting for you regardless...

Much love,

Shibari

It has been a very long time since I have written.

I would like to say that I have a good excuse. I am sure I have alot of excuses. But the truth of the matter is that my real life has had some very real things going on that has made me really not want to write.

The Thursday before Thanksgiving.. my friend Scott went missing. He has been a very good friend that I met through blogging. I have known Scotty since 2005. I knew him under his blogstream name Randy. He wrote a wonderful blog called Life After The Hollow . While many of you know me as Shibari... When I started blogging I was Vegas... and I wrote about my epically failing marriage . Randy was an awesome support system for me. So when he was missing .. I was frantic. I had just heard from him three weeks prior and he had texted me "Hey Shib - I am a little sick right now- I will text you when I am better"  I didn't think much of it. Scott and I emailed- texted and talked on the phone .. when we could.

So we started a social media campaign on twitter and facebook - I was posting his missing poster everywhere I could - Just hoping that my dear friend would be found safe and sound.

So Thursday When the news came out that the police department in Auburn Alabama had found his body. I was beside myself with grief. I was completely broken by the news. I began to cry and really have cried in the days since. In a sense, I felt as though I lost a family member.  It cuts very deep.

So to my Scott- Thank you for helping me find laughter in the midst of my tears...  For being that sounding board that was willing to hear what I had to say .. with no judgements. Who got my duality- who shared thoughts of God and love and ideals. Who sang french fried taters to me to send me into peels of giggles. Who loved with his whole heart.. who was a brilliant photographer.. father and friend.  There is a jagged piece missing from my heart with you not in this world.  I will be forever grateful for your friendship.. forever thankful that God put you smack dab in the middle of my world. I will see you again friend.. But for now I am glad you found peace from your demons... I love you !

And unable to really commit to sleep...

I am tired...

and restless.

Not really sure who I am 

or where I have been

Where I am going

or if this is the same old sin.

I long to feel the cold 

pressed against my face...

the warmth upon my back

and so it is

so it was

so it will be.

scroll for more pics    here I was alot bruised.. alot cut on .. and VERY swollen

It has been... 

ONE YEAR

since my life changed in a really dramatic way.... 

Waking up October 2 nd 2010 and not being able to walk... Was not only the most excruciatingly painful day of my life... but It also changed the way my life is as a whole. 

Forward to October 29th the day of the surgery where anchors were put into my ankle... and the offending bone spur that was trying to  sever my tendon was removed.

It was the beginning of a difficult journey.

To not be able to walk for 12 weeks . Then physical therapy to teach me how to walk again . 

I never knew HOW much I took forgranted the feet that I walk on each day.

I became a little weepy this week.. Talking about it... 

I still don't walk exactly correct. I will probably always limp. 

But I am walking!

I am so grateful to both my Doctor who gave me the ability to walk again, and to my physical therapists who truly worked with me to get my gait straight... 

Now I am working on the fear... The fear of stepping off of a curb.. walking up and down stairs... those kinds of things.

But I am working on it. 

Learning to walk again.. Learning to trust again... Learning to love again .. that is where I am... 

I want to be able to share my whole heart .. my whole self... with another... I will keep you posted on how it goes

For more HNT fun visit Osbasso!

The Change of Weather here in Vegas has been interesting ...

One week it is 97 degrees outside .. the next thing you know it is in the 50s and then back up to 90s . We have been having intermittent rainstorms which cause flooding ... So it definitely has been interesting here.

With the change of weather .. it means that all the generous bitches at work have been bringing their illnesses in and sharing them with me.  I had a cold last week.  I didn't even have a voice for most of it. 

I ended up having to go to the doctor yesterday because my ear hurts. Well hurt is a mild word. Apparently I have a ruptured eardrum.. So he gave me some drops and some antibiotics.

I have found being sick and dealing with some personal stuff.. has left me kind of cranky really, and I am trying to get back to myself.. But I have found I have a low tolerance for bullshit as of late. I am really tired of people who lie .. or find it ok to play with my heart .. emotions.. or use me. SO .. with that being the case I have been telling alot of people to FUCK OFF .. I feel very bristle-y at the moment. Let's call it porcupine mode...  Self preservation or whatever. I haven't felt like being around any one and I have been spending alot of alone time.

I decided yesterday to get my winter clothes out because 50 degrees is friggin cold .. Yeah I know all you people in colder regions are saying .. 50 degrees? what a baby! Ummm Yeah.. I am a baby...  (a baby that is cranky wahhh)  I am also spending time re- organizing my house , and getting ready for the holidays.

I think I need an attitude adjustment .. but just not sure .. how to adjust it.

I can't tell you how excited I am , that it is Friday. I really need some time off before my new position starts on Monday.

I will get more details to you on that soon.

Today - I plan to  leave work, take a bubble bath.. take a nap ... and eventually finish changing my summer clothes and winter clothes for each other.

Happy Friday!

I have always been great at giving advice! 

Sometimes I wish that I had been smart like Lucy Van Pelt and charged people ...

I know that sounds trumped up ... but it is true... 

I have random people who come to me and share their lives with me. People I know and alot of people I don't know. I don't just randomly give advice to anyone. Honestly!

Take for instance the other night at dinner... 

I was talking with a friend and I had overheard her conversation with her little sister. She had made a comment about their parents that wasn't very favorable.  I thought I would talk to my friend and told her that the way her parents raised her and the way they are raising her sister are different experiences, and she needed to scale back being derogatory when discussing the parents and how she feels about them , when talking to her sister.

We talked more about it... and I apologized if I had overstepped, but I thought that she should think about it.  Kids never seem to think of their parents as bad.. Even if it is a bad situation.

For me it is a little different... I don't mind listening to people. I love being trusted with people's confessions and stories.  I think it is amazing that people would share themselves with me in such an intimate manner.

However~*

Taking advice is probably another story. I honestly feel bad for some people including my mother who offer sound advice , that I really don't feel applies to me at times. 

Do I always disregard advice?

Well.. No that would be stupid on my part.

But sometimes people give me advice that doesn't really apply to my situation...  Or they give me advice that in some part makes me feel unsure, or unsafe.  It isn't that I am not listening, it is more like self preservation.

I have been in self preservation mode for the last few weeks.

I feel like my life is attacking me and it makes it difficult for me to breathe at times.  I just want the world to stop, so that I can take a vacation from the madness. 

I am completely honest about my struggles.. Especially with cutting , or the desire to cut. But especially the desire NOT to cut.  I am honest about my life.. my feelings. I may not be right all of the time .. but I admit that too.  I can and do admit when I am wrong.

I put my life out in a public forum.  That leaves for a lot of judgement.  People tend to judge me by their perception of me without really knowing me, Yes ... I write about sexy things.. or sexy topics.. or things that have happened in my life.. I also write about fantasy and fiction. Does that make me a whore..

No it just means that I have a healthy view about sex.. Or I am sex positive.

It doesn't mean that I sleep with just anyone because I have a vagina.

My mom probably still reads my blog even after I have told her to stay away.. She can be nosy like that. She found my blog and kind of said "tsk tsk tsk .. Is that the girl you want people to think you are?"

Well it doesn't matter what people think!

What people think and What or Who I am ... may be two different things.  I am multi-faceted like a gem. On one side yes I am a sexual person.. But on the other I am a church going .. girl who loves kids and dogs and the American way.  The same girl who likes to cook , and giggle and cuddle. The one who wants desperately to be loved "for real" . 

 For years I listened to people give me advice on "Why I wasn't getting pregnant" Or "Why I kept losing babies". 

Well meaning indeed. But also hurtful and insensitive. 

That is when to protect myself, I began telling people that I really didn't want to be a mother.  (a lie)

That for a change I wanted to be in a relationship and kids didn't get inthe way (also a lie)

I am sure there are alot of other excuses that I have stated which were completely false.

Which in the truth of the matter, I couldn't bear to lose another baby. It is devastating. I also realize that I am 43 years old and having a child at this juncture in my life is not the best idea. The risk of having a child with serious problems or Downs syndrome is high.  I have no problem raising a child with problems. I would have welcomed the opportunity if I was 23 , but with me and my age,  My thoughts tend to push to the future, and that I don't have a lifetime left. I have the rest of this life.  A baby that is 43 years or more younger than me would probably need alot of care should they have problems. ... would need care the rest of their life.

And I don't have anyone... who could love and care for that child ... for the rest of their lifetime.

So I made a painful decision to get an IUD.

This was AGAINST the advice of those that cared about me.

But it was the best decision for me.

I have good instances of good advice.. that I have taken.  When I was speaking with HIM- we had been having a good conversation when our talk turned to spiritual matters.  HE asked me when the last time I had been to church was.. I sheepishly answered "2 years....?"  Then I started crying.  "I explained I had a hard time going because I feel like God hates me, that I feel like I am under his constant scrutiny and punishment and I am not even sure why."  Then I went on to babble about how "angry I am that I am going through the things I am .. but people like my ex husband have it easy and go unpunished .. not just for their sins but their crimes." And HE very calmly said "You know better... God does NOT hate you and I think you should go"  I felt like a little girl ... crying and sucking in my lip and nodding because I couldn't answer.  He was right tho. I did need to go and I did.  Have I been back? No.. but that is because I feel so overwhelmed when I am there. 

Do you ever feel buried by your life?

Because I do...

I don't drink or do recreational drugs.  I tend to try to meet things head on .. but it is hard somedays. 

I worry constantly about disappointing people or having people give up on me or ... just up and quit me and leave. I have definite separation anxiety.

But then I am guilty of pushing people away also.. When I feel to much. I push. Because somewhere deep inside I KNOW that they are eventually going to leave anyway.

So how do you advise the advise giver ?   I  am not even sure  I know .  What advice am I giving right now? What advice am I taking ?