Shibari Confessions

Lead Me

Sat, 05 Jun 2010 12:54:00 -0400

Lead me

with strong hands

Stand up

when I can't

Don't leave me

hungry

for love

Chasing dreams,

what about us?

Show me

you're willing to fight

That I'm still

the love of your life

I know we

call this our home

But I still feel alone

Not feeling myself

Thu, 03 Jun 2010 03:57:00 -0400

I would like to say that life is grand... and usually it is...

but I am finding my birthday creeping up on me in not a good way... i am freaking out a little about a number 42 ... ::sigh::

WarEagle is still in San Fran... and I am still here... and I hate it .

I am guessing that this will not change anytime soon.

My parents are moving soon...

and I am going to be alone.

which is ok

i just hate it.

oh well me and mollie know how this road goes .. lol

my birthday will be on the 20th ... and I have no plans .. WarEagle has not made mention of any plans he has made... so I dunno...

last year i had the best birthday ever... top of the rio... voodoo lounge fantasy camera....

I am expecting no proposals ... or anything of that nature. I am pretty sure that - will never happen.

Which is fine.

I am learning to take life as it goes.

Right now it has been going with me admitted into the hospital last week I have a kidney infection that is not reacting to drugs.

That means it is viral and I am having to ... work my way through it.

A big Thank you to St . Rose Siena hospital for taking such good care of me ... and for using me as their personal pin cushion.,..

good times...

I came home after and threw up (pleasant right) ... poor mollie wanted NOTHING to do with that.

My youngest step daughter is a high school graduate.

Wish I could have seen that happen ... but I am so proud of her and her accomplishments ... I am always hoping for the best for her.

What else... oh yes. .. ran into a guy who is a film maker ... nice guy .. he wants to look at my book i am writing .. .it may skip past the book stage and go right to screen play.

THAT is exciting news....

summertime is here ... spent a few weekends ago in Dana Point on the beach... (I think I found my new fantasy home)

it was a lovely time....

sorry so choppy it is late .. and i wanted to post something ...

17 days and counting ...

Saturday Nite ...

Sun, 02 May 2010 03:32:00 -0400

Week 4 ... and my WarEagle is still in San Francisco ... and I am still in Las Vegas. I would be lying if I said this was optimum.

But he is trying to see if this job is what is best for us.

He is looking into a job in LA right now.

I wouldn't mind LA ... it is alot warmer there, it is also less expensive. If everything goes well... the move to LA would be fiscally awesome as well, if everything goes as planned.

We are planning on going to LA next weekend... We will be spending the weekend in a suite and on the beach fucking like bunnies ... in between looking at these business plans.

Right now most of our relationship has been all over the phone. I miss him touching me... miss him kissing me.

Today, I called him and we talked on the phone- We had a good conversation. I told him that he was the best sex I have ever had. and I can say that with complete seriousness. I told him that I may not be the most experienced lover ... but I would hope that ... someday he would think I was best at something too. He said "If I wanted the most experienced... I would be with that person. But we are .... wow... together... and maybe it is because it isn't just sex. .. like in the beginning. It is because our hearts and minds and souls are in it . But it is so intense... us together"

I was thinking ... yes exactly...

but then I thought .. WOW he said this.

and I wanted to curl up in his arms and just stay there forever.

my heart is changing ... I want to believe in forever again.

hanging by oneself again

Sun, 25 Apr 2010 23:38:00 -0400

Well, my WarEagle came home.... I love reunion kisses... that are me getting slammed up against the wall... it was wonderful :)

We locked ourselves in our room and just held each other, and kissed and kissed. I loved it !

Then we made love ... it was phenomenal.

The next morning we woke up a little early 8am had another major romp... yum ... but we had a lot planned for the day so we had to get going..

Later I went for a massage and Steven took care of me. My back is a little sore from the deep tissue massage. But I love the toxin release. I have been drinking a ton of water and green tea to push it all the way out of my system.

Made dinner for the WarEagle - Steak and asparagus .. very healthy and very yum.

We went to bed and I put on a pair of thigh high stockings and lit my body candle . The WarEagle definitely appreciated this . and laid down behind me kissing my shoulder and neck .

Then the real fun began. :wink:

I had bought a body candle at a slumber party ... and it heats up without scalding your skin. So it was so delicious when he dropped wax on my chest and belly.

LOVED IT.

truth be known I was worn out after so much fun ...

and I slept soooo good ... in his arms.

I woke up this morning to his kisses and they were beautiful and sweet and lovely. But I cried ... alot ... I knew our time was coming to a close... and it hurt my heart. I knew he was back off to San francisco. He says he doesn't want to stay there long... He actually has a couple of things in the works and we may not settle there. We may end up in SoCal ... or maybe Texas still.

But my whole life is changing...

With my Grandfather dying , I am finding that it is changing much more than I figured. My parents are getting ready to move to New Mexico ... and me ? I have no clue where I am going to be because I am in limbo. WarEagle doesn't want me in san fran til he decides if he is keeping this job.. and my parents... will be selling this house. They already have a buyer... and me and mollie , molasses and honey? I have no clue .

I guess I will just trust that there is a bigger plan for me than I know.

I kissed my baby goodbye today... and it hurt ... so much. I have never loved anyone the way I love him.

My parents took me to dinner - that was nice.

It was nice that a firefighter sat near me and made flirty eyes with me. (He was hot). It made me feel good.

but not as good as wareagles kisses...

tired...

Wed, 21 Apr 2010 01:34:00 -0400

tired... and I do mean really tired.

So... I am waiting for my parents to come home from new mexico...

In the mean time it is me and mollie hanging out.

War Eagle has been in San Francisco and I miss him more than I could even imagine. Things have been very strained between the two of us , this week . Mostly stress of being away from each other.. my insecurity ... and his being unsure about this job.

What else?

I guess not much ... just more of the same old same old.

I am looking forward to wareagle coming home this weekend. We have a couples massage scheduled...

and well.. the extra curricular activities should be explosive...

I will keep you posted ;)

Life Changes

Sat, 10 Apr 2010 12:54:00 -0400

I am sorry for not writing...

I wish I actually had words to say. Words have always been there to purge whatever I am feeling and I wish I could purge what I am feeling now.

Alot has happened. My Grandfather came out to visit and ended up in the hospital and passed away.

Devastating to me.

We had to drive his body back to New Mexico, as it is too expensive to fly a body back .

When I went to NM I spent time alone with Grandad at the mortuary. I cried alot that day. It was the first time my grandfather actually looked old to me.

Just really brings to a head the losses I have in my life.

I am ... completely depressed right now.

On top of that my WarEagle leaves for san Francisco tomorrow to start his new job.

I am feeling very insecure. very alone.

I bought a pair of scissors... just in case.

Living on Love

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 21:26:00 -0400

Hello friends and foes....

and Happy BELATED St. Paddy's day from a lass of Irish heritage!

Well... apparently .. UNLV lost in the first round... they will never return to the way they were when I was in college... Man I miss Greg Anthony and Stacey Augamon. They were super sweet guys!

Oh well... not a lot of love for UNLV since Tark left.

I miss that towel chewin coach!!!!

WarEagle has been going on job interviews out of town and we are waiting to see which is the best offer ...

So I could end up anywhere who knows.

I picked him up at the airport the other night and we had dinner at Raisin' Cane's where the chicken is kicken and the sauce is boss. We were talking about the job offer that is on the table in San Francisco. It looks like a good job but it concerns me ... why? cost of living in the area is beyond .... our pocketbooks. I kept pressing to see what they were offering that sort of thing and he was avoiding the answers . So I just looked at him and asked... "have you changed your mind about us? Do you want to move without me"

my stomach just dropped and I was trying not to cry... because deep inside I STILL have that fear of being left... of being rejected ... or hurt. He looked at me kind of shocked and said

"NO" then he went on to explain the offer and it was less than what we were hoping for.

I just shook my head ... because I don't know how long it will take to get a job. worry spread over me ... i won't lie.. how coould I go if we can't afford to live?

He grabbed my hands and said "I guess we will have to ..." and he started singing "livin on love ... buyin time ... without somebody nothing ain't worth a dime"

I started crying... because it answered all of my unanswered questions that continually plague me.

I remember 3 years ago ... freshly divorced... and I was in the store .. and Alan Jackson came on the overhead singing Livin on Love ... I had cried because at the time I thought love was really a farse. A lie. I didn't think I could ever give my heart to someone again.

But here comes this man .... and I don't understand how ... life has changed so much.

I gave him my heart... the bruised and broken one.

and in his protection ... it has healed.

There is the occasional hiccup where I don't know where the road is leading or where he is taking me ...

But ...the adventure is in the journey.

We were laying in bed the other night ... and kissing.

I love the way he kisses me... how they seem to touch every part of me , and that my heart still flutters when he touches me.

Almost 2 years now...

We get along so good... It is hard to understand the normalcy of it all.

I would like to say we are homebodies.. but we actual get out and do alot. But we also sit home and hold hands and enjoy loving each other.

By that I mean we just like being in the other's presence ...

and we laugh... alot.

We are hoping to move to a place with pro sports teams... one of the locations is Kansas City?

Can I be a chiefs fan?

yeah... except for when they play the cowboys...

if San Francisco pans out ... this girl is not a Raiders fan but she will root the forty-whiners if she has too.. and only when she is not rooting the cowboys.

We are still hoping for locations with horses.

Keep your fingers crossed.

o.O I will have to add some photos from disney.

Things are so amazing right now. I can't help but just sit back and think ... WOW...

I guess you have to live the bad to really recognize the beautiful.

and THIS life is beautiful!

I am cut free for four months.

That is a really good thing. I am trying to use words not wounds.

It has been old home week this week on top of everything else. Talking to old friends even ones I have not seen since I was 19. I talked to papi today. we talked for an hour. I told him I missed his hobbit feet. I really think God put him in my life for a reason. We went through our divorces at the same time .We are truly good friends and love each other very much.

My ex accused me of having an affair with him...

It never happened .. physically.

But emotionally?

yeah it did.

He listened to me.. prayed with me ... comforted me... laughed with me.

we were both served with divorce papers the same day...

and we both cried on the phone with each other .

He was ... my constant.

I have missed him tremendously as our lives have taken different paths... but I am forever grateful for the role he has had in my life.

I talked with my friend Jewel today .. she has alot going on so ... it is hard to keep in touch with her schedule.It was good to catch up with her ... and I love her to pieces.

It has been a very full day ...

While I am here .. could ya'll please send your prayers and good thoughts my Grandaddy's way?

He has cancer. It started with a spot on his lung ..He is not a smoker .. but got it from skin cancer that started going into organs .. he had radiation treatment... but they have recently found a lesion on his brain.. They did a gamma knife procedure and have him on steroids to keep his brain from swelling.

It is the beginning of the end. He is getting weaker and weaker and ... his motor skills have decreased alot.

It is very hard to watch his condition continue to go downhill.

I will focus on the good times.. and remember that I have been very lucky to have him in my life for 40 years.

I am off for now... dinner with WarEagle and movies tonite...

hope all is well in each of your worlds...

Take Care... xoxoxoxoxo

HellllOoooooOoo I am ready for spring :)

Fri, 12 Mar 2010 00:39:00 -0500

I am starting to think that this cold weather is mocking me.

hmmph!

So I caught a cold a few weeks ago and I thought .. "man I am really sick"

But after Neti potting and drinking hot lemonade and vicks and some... tylenol warming syrup... I was a happy healthy girl. But not before sharing it with my family....

Imma giver what can I say?!

So The WarEagle and I decided a trip to sunnier skys and mickey mousier atmospheres...

Mollie went to stay with her Aunti

the turtles were well... hibernating ...

(honey and molasses are the cutest turtles EVER by the way!)

WarEagle has never been to disney before... so I was very excited to get to show him MY favorite place in the world ... well besides.. next to him... We drove to LA and stayed in a suite at the Marriott over looking Disneyland. It was a beautiful room. Very serene and peaceful. Our personal friend and Executive Chef Hany made us Asian tacos the first night .They are his own creation... YUM.

The first night there we just settled in and I was exhausted from all of my stress at work. Plus I have had some other health stuff going on .. mayhaps my body is changing hormonally. bleh.. I digress. So we snuggled up and slept SOOOOO good. The next day we went to see some of his friends who own this awesome little snack company.

I gave them some candles and HE was so impressed he is presenting my candle line for distribution at various locations in .... (drumroll please..._) NEWPORT BEACH.

all good stuff I think.

Then he hands me this huge box and takes me into the warehouse and says... pick out everything you like... and take home with you.

ummm can we say kid in a candy store?

I know I can... but I was really good and only took a package of pecans.

Afterwards we went back to hotel and Chef and VP of Marriott drove us to Disneyland and got us in. (royal treatment) I totally felt like a princess. Even more so when the jungle cruise driver said "come saddle up to me princess... i've got a gun"

LOL

We rode all the good stuff til HE got sick on space mountain.

We ate lunch at the Blue Bayou... Delicious crab cakes and au gratin potatos .

We left around 9 and I went back to the hotel and had a bath... a very... long bath.

I fell asleep and man I slept sooooooooooooo good.

We slept in and went to visit another croney of the WarEagle ... this time it is a food production company and they make p90 bars and they are also working with my guy on formulating his new food product that will be released soon. I really got along with the owner... we talked conservative politcs and religion and he was actually shocked I could hold my own... (judging a book by the girlie cover I think) I toured the facitilty and watched them make chocolate bars.. amazing process!

When we were leaving he handed me samples of wareagles food product for focus groups and then handed me two boxes of chocolate covered caramels... I lamented the fact that he is the divinity king... and everytime i try to make it.. well it just turns out wrong. tastes good ... but just isn't pretty.

later we went to California adventure and toured the park ... we did some sitting and people watching which is one of my faves.

why do women where high heels to disneyland.

We left early again because we went to the racetrack at los alamitos..

Can we just say I can pick a horse?

hung out with some super cool gentleman ... had a pepsie and talked to one of the trainers ... it was weird cuz he looked just like my dad.

creepy

Something I learned this week ... and am questioning...

When did the USDA start carrying guns... and why do they get to point them at seventy year old owners of businesses...

another reason why government sucks.

TOO MUCH POWER!

We were going to attend the Angels game but there was some big wheel thing going on...

which is good because WarEagle's other business...

www.catdaddycustoms.com

is all about wheels..

We went home... and it was raining and ....

Revenge of the cold...

it started out as an asthma tickle... which grew and grew .. and .. BAM - i have bruised ribs .. and a headache that doesn't go away.

My taxes are prepared and I am awaiting my return.

Watched the Oscars... wtg Sandy Bullock .. you had an amazing performance in the Blindside and totally deserve the recognition by the academy.

Christoph Waltz or whatever from Inglourious basterds ... was amazing in his role too. I can't wait to see him on more film.

Finding it tragic that Corey Haim died...

Such a waste of life.

I am really doing well right now .. well except for the cold . Have been trying to get this novel finished.Still waiting to see where I am moving to... or if we will stay in Nevada and just buy a home.

Have been really happy, and just trying to relax in life. take it as it comes... and not get too excited or disappointed or tripped up on the small stuff.

ahhhh the good life...

Thursday...

Fri, 19 Feb 2010 00:45:00 -0500

Hello :)

I hope your day was well ... Mine started early about 4 am early. Then I worked a full day. Which brings up my pet peeve of the day. Why am I working while my coworkers are all laughing and chatting and having a good ol time. I am slotting this as stress factor number 43.

What else? My nephew B missed the bus , had to go get him... which was fine... We got a snack and hung out and talked for a bit. I drove him home and there were three dogs running on his street, a mixed dog and two little weiner dogs ... I freaked out and had to stop and try to keep them from getting run over . so I open up my car door and the one dog jumps in the little dachsunds were a little more wary... a person across the street was kind enough to help me round them up.They took on the responsibility of the dogs and were trying to find the owners... but that really sank my heart that these awesome pets were out on the street.While doing this these teenagers drove by and one shouted out the window... hey bitch wanna tickle... I was flabbergasted but said not with your small dick... but thanks ...

Took WarEagle to the airport .. he has a job interview in Oklahoma... We are hoping for the right job.. the right time. We will see.

then I came home and Mollie the wonderdog had wigged out in her kennel and had diarrhea... (yay me)

I also had to call my doctor, i am having some problems with my iud. bleeding every two weeks... cramping. My doctor says it is normal it has only been a couple months .

Things are great really. Have really been enjoying life. WarEagle sent me roses and a bear and chocolates for valentines... Then he took me to see Gordy Brown. It was awesome. He is sooooo talented, and funny.

::Warning:: I was cleaning a pan using a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. The next day my fingertips were hurting and there were little round dots where my fingerprints USED to be... I magic erased my fingertips .. not permanently mind you ... but long enough to know it hurts... ::sheesh:: This would prolly be a good thing... if I was looking for a life of crime... but yeah I am liking the straight and narrow... lol

I pick up the WarEagle tomorrow and then it is off to a good weekend. I can't wait for two weeks... Disney vacation... woot woot. So excited. WarEagle has never been and it will be my first time in a long time to go. We are going to stay in a suite in the Marriott and just really enjoy time with each other. ::excitement::

me and mollie are very tired and it is time to sleep... have a great night everyone... xoxox

Long time no see....

Mon, 01 Feb 2010 02:03:00 -0500

Hello Long time .. not write...

Sorry I have been gone so long but ... loads going on. Very busy at work and with my new candle company and really trying to stay on track with things.

My WarEagle is out of town and I am getting ready for bed and thinking that it is going to be a cuddle-less night. ::sigh:: I find such comfort and satisfaction knowing that he is here sleeping with his chest against my back, arm over my waist or over my hip. I love the luxury of being in his arms. It is something that I am not able to sleep without.

BUT... it is also a very big opportunity that is waiting for us if all goes well.

I have had a VERY busy day. Had plans with a friend of mine from 6th grade on... and we had a great time . Went and saw the Lovely Bones. I read the book so it was interesting to see Peter Jacksons' interpretation of the book. I found it very good. But that is just me. I love the girl who played Susie Salmon ... she was in another movie I saw , called " I'm not your woman" with Michelle Pfeiffer and Paul Rudd ... totally hilarious movie and the girl is soooo talented .. she sings and acts so naturally.

Lisa and I had a great time ... salad lunch ... movie and popcorn ... and then girl chit chat for a couple hours. We caught up on everything. We really do have more than average stuff in common.

Then I went to my sister's condo and hung out with her for a bit. She is seperated for the time being and we just hung out and talked since it is her husbands night for the boys .

My nephew B is having a rough time. Very depressed and verge of very bad things right now. My sister and I talked and laughed and laughed and talked . it was a really great time.

Read a really lovely book called "Crooked Kind of Perfect" It was written as a young person's book , but I really enjoyed it. I feel kind of crooked. but life seems perfect to me right now.

I am really really having a good time.

Last weekend , we went and had a mini staycation at the Fiesta Hotel and Casino , Stayed in a gorgeous room , went to movies ate dinner, gambled a little ... romped like bunnies alot. Slept in a huge ass bed.

Slept in ... had breakfast buffet... watched football and then went home.

I have been a little sick with a sinus infection and double ear infection. It went untreated for like three weeks because I thought it was "just a cold" it wasn't.

However, I was using some preventative treatments that did help me from getting super sick. I reccomend them if you are feeling a little nasal-y or cold-ish or allergy prone. I bought a neti pot and sinus wash and It is the grossest and unpleasant thing to do .. but I gotta say I do it twice a day and I can actually BREATHE for the first time in a long time. It totally helps me to breathe fully out of both nostrils . I also have been adding alot of lemon to my water as it is a good de-toxer ... and listerine to keep bacteria out of my throat and mouth.

I said bacteria.... other things are ok.

Starting back at the gym this week as I haven't been feeling well enough to go.

What else. Oh yes had the IUD put in and had it checked. things are good there. I will say that the iud was so painful to put in that, it made me reconsider ever having sex ever again. But I got over that two days later.

Things are looking really good.

I have decided to take a step back from my expectations of things and just try to go with the flow again. It is hard to do because i have this innate urge to control the situation. When in all reality .. I am not in control of jack .

jack shit that is.

Yesterday was a stressful day for me, but it was because I got caught up in expectations instead of just enjoying the things that happened during the day. I finally relaxed around 5 or 6 pm.In time for us to go to a party at Wareagles buddies house. We went to a bbq and there was a whole mess of folks there . Two of the guys were talking to me and telling me that they were UFC fighters they train with Forrest Griffin . I totally heart Forrest Griffin ... because he is funny. a little tooooo self depricating but LOVE him.

One of the gentlemen sitting there had a slight accent and I asked where he was from originially, I thought perhaps he was italian. But turns out he is from Croatia. He will be in the UFC 110 in Australia . His name is Goran Relijic ? ... well I am not sure HOW to spell his name but he was super cool and very kind.

I had a fun time watching him play the Wii with whatever the other guys name was.

Made a lot of good candle contacts.

Wareagle was having alot of fun talking sports and just hanging out. We don't really drink so we were having soda's or water the whole night.

We came home and packed his stuff for his trip ... and slept.

and now it is time for me to sleep again...

he called me to tell me he loves me and that he misses me.

I told him that I am proud of him and excited for this appointment for him. I told him that I loved him and that I missed our nightly giggle session. It is hard to sleep without my own personal comedian.

Well.. second thought I will just sleep quieter ;)

I will try to get on here and write more. I have been finishing my book that I am writing and working on candles.. I am a busy girl . I am totally read for a REAL vacation.

Sleep tight blogland until we meet again.