Yep Crazy, and I fucked up.

I am pretty sure that my WarEagle has left me for good.

Why .. because I am crazy.

Why? because I couldn't verbally communicate that I wanted him to hold me .. to touch me ... or to hug me.

Because I was hurt he was watching TV or on his computer rather than spending time with me.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I cut... in front of him.

I am always pushing and why? because I want to push someone towards me but it backfired and now he is pushed away.

He packed up all of his things and he said he is gone for just today , but I am pretty sure it is forever.

He has told me when he is done with people he is done.. and he doesn't look back. It looks like now he is done with me.

I can't even blame him.

But I love him. I mean really love him. and him leaving cuts more than any damage I could ever do to myself.

I wish he knew that without him here my heart is completely shattered , and that I would do whatever it took to make it better. To prove I am nto as crazy as this moment today.

If he ever lets me have the chance again...

I have been feeling the pressure building for days. The diagnosis of cancer for my grandad. That and my grandmother (otherside) being very ill. Feeling those old memories of loss.

and now my dad calls and my mom is very ill , I am stuck here in Nevada and I can't do anything.

I am here and I am dealing alone. I hate alone . But it is my fault , so I guess I will have to suck it up and deal with it.

This is familiar territory,

I just hate knowing that I spiraled so out of control, and in front of the person I love more than anything. I just exploded and I can't take any of it back.

I tried to call him but he won't pick up. So I typed him an email . He may delete he may read I don't know.

All I know is that I need him--- and that I love him...

and life will go on without him.. but it won't have the same color , or beauty .. or growth that I have had in the past year he has been in my life.

Regardless if he returns to me , he will always be in my heart , and soul ... I will always pray for him, and wish him well...

but in my heart I would love for him to return to me.

please God for once hear my prayer.