It is freezing in Las Vegas. Freezing I say!'

AND before you think that I am a whiner with no cause .. The desert is effing cold. 28 degrees this AM and I still haven't warmed up.

Not sure where I stand with 2009 yet.. I have a cold still which sucks because i am ultra busy with work.

That and my personal life is taking some hits. I would like to say I am rolling with the punches. But for some reason the punches are just rolling over me.

Sometimes setbacks leave me less than ok and I am faced with the age old struggles that I detest.

Things that cause me emotional pain bring up the voices in my head that urge me to cut. It starts as a gentle whisper ...

cut

cut

cut

and I can feel each now healed and invisable word burn and call out

Cut

Cut

CUT

The whisper gradually gets louder and louder until it is no longer a dull sound in my ears but a violent scream.

CUT

CUT

CUT 

Which in most cases I have been able to ignore and move on.

Sometimes ... not.

I was talking wiht a friend about how embarassing and shameful it is to fall off the wagon. Especially after living cut free for 6 mos.

SIX MONTHS!

It is a sick and twisted thing... cutting.

But there is this beautiful and sweet almost seductive release that it brings no matter how twisted and sick it is.

I think that when I focus on an event.. or painful memory .. or things that tear at my heart and soul.. cutting gives me the opportunity to break from focusing solely on what is tormenting me emotionally, and helps re-focus that to the task at hand.

A fellow cutter told me they do lines.. alot of cutters do. I do words. Words that remind me of how stupid a situation is. Or that I am a failure... a failure at relaionships.. love.. and friendships..

Newest emotional trauma .. that I just could get past .. and I have a new addition to my collection of marks. "cheated"  on my left thigh and " unloved"  and "fucked over" on the right.

My ever loving confidante BBG was there to encourage me NOT to cut  to trust .. and open up and talk .. but I was crying too much to do much of anything.

Trev just kept saying no no no no no please don't .. but it was too late.

My friends began.. "circling the wagons" in order to help and protect me.. God I am a lucky woman. Stupid .. but lucky.

Cowboy and JimmyFF called and listened to me cry on the phone.. broken.

I haven't been in a place this dark in awhile and it has all just been spiraling. Too much loss in too short of time. People I trust and care for fucking me over.

It was too late.. and the voices were too loud.. and I gave over to the darkness of my mind.

Gave in to the voices.

This cutting was not as gratifying as the past ones have been. Usually it stops the emotional pain instantly.. but not this time. It is no longer my quick fix to feel or not feel.

It just felt .. shameful.

I am humiliated that I gave in.. and let someone elses actions against me hurt me enough to get me to that place.

To allow another person's lack of love... or lies... have the power. To let those things control my outcome.

I am not sure where to go from here.

I just know that I can't cut anymore. Even with the voices that beckon me to do so. I almost feel like an AA member who needs a fucking sponsor...

So what do I do?

How do I overcome the words that haunt my life...

failure

rejected

unloved

pain

fucked over

cheated

loss

divorced

broken

whore

cunt

and the many others that have graced my thighs...

How do I stop the pain .. that leaks like a siv into my life...

How do I protect myself from people who say they care.. and fuck me over..

How can I possibly .. go to school and counsel people... when clearly I am still fucked up ... and don't have the ability to make good decisions in dealing with emotional pain?

I have been lucky that I don't have visable scars... but that can't last forever.

I am so grateful for the unconditional love and care I have been shown by my friends. I am not sure how I got so lucky.. but I am eternally grateful for the nagging phone calls ..texts and .. ims .. You know that your consistency is something that can not be ignored.

So we start over Day two of not cutting .