I am sorry for not writing...

I wish I actually had words to say. Words have always been there to purge whatever I am feeling and I wish I could purge what I am feeling now.

Alot has happened. My Grandfather came out to visit and ended up in the hospital and passed away.

Devastating to me.

We had to drive his body back to New Mexico, as it is too expensive to fly a body back .

When I went to NM I spent time alone with Grandad at the mortuary. I cried alot that day. It was the first time my grandfather actually looked old to me.

Just really brings to a head the losses I have in my life.

I am ... completely depressed right now.

On top of that my WarEagle leaves for san Francisco tomorrow to start his new job.

I am feeling very insecure. very alone.

I bought a pair of scissors... just in case.