Friday it is woot woot

Listening to: Crazy Beautiful --Chasen

"Take a look it’s all around you
See the world from different views
The way you shine from the inside
I know with out a doubt
It’s more than what you’ll be
In the world’s eyes.
Whoa you’re oh so beautiful, you don’t need anyone’s a approval
You’ve got to believe in your self you know you are "

Watched Lost Wednesday had a total WTF moment

Reading .. meh still reading Dead as a Doornail .. too busy to get into it

What is on my mind :

What irks me this week: Ex boyfriend contacted me via cell text and said " you need to suck my cock slut"

I haven't talked to him in months he dropped off the face of the earth and he thinks i am gonna jump at the chance to give him head.. uh NO.

That and married men! Sorry boys... but seriously ..

I don't do the married man thing . Anyone who has read my blog KNOWS that my ex husband cheated on me . Why would I want to do that to some other woman.

and I don't know if I should be flattered or just bothered that i get requests for blow jobs on a near daily basis. Which kind of cracks me up.. because i am an eclusive girl . I don't fuck around. I don't have mulitiple partners. am I an oddity? Can count the ammount of lovers I have had on one hand. So as far as sex bloggers go I think I am .. the least sexed . HEHE

Yeah I am a girl who is funny and flirty .. but I am not a whore ..

I really don't .

The truth hurts:

I have a friend who saw through all my pretenses and bullshit.

Which gotta say sucks because i have become quite the little actress.  I do alot of pretend.

"yep I am ok"

"nope i am not cutting"

Someone saw through it all. They seem to know me so much .. Which is hard.. I don't like people that close.. I don't like being vulnerable. But it is what it is.

The truth hurts... in this case it didn't .. But i did come clean on some of the white lies i tell on a near daily basis.

And it turned out to be the best thing i have done in awhile. Coming clean. God it removes the stain of guilt and the weight of  bullshit off of my shoulders.

People pleasing:

I run myself ragged trying to make people happy all of the time.

It leaves me feeling pretty bitter.  Because I don't see anyone running around and trying to please me.  Well that is not exactly true.. there are a couple people who .. do better than good .

So we are eating dinner, and my mom says to me "Were you crying last nite?"

I actually had been speaking with my friend J and HAD been crying . She says

"didn't sound like crying .. sounded like something else"

now I am bewildered at how crying sounds like sex sounds.. WHATTHEFUCKEVER

So I tell her .. NO  if I was doing that believe me I know how to be quiet in paper thin walls. AND when J and I were talking we had been talking about my former step daughters.. about loss. About the need to feel loved.. Especially when you feel so unlovable.  She doesn't get it. I don't care. She can think what she wants she is going to anyway.

Another reason I need to get the hell out of this house.

Am feeling the need to be Dommed . really badly. Want to be tied up and taken care of.

Just seems so elusive sometimes.

maybe as a subbie I suck too .. who knows.

Raining in the Valley today (Saturday when I am finishing this post... ) I love the rain.. and it just brings out the need for closeness. To kiss in the rain.. to touch in the rain.. to get warm in doors under the covers AFTER being out in the rain.

I also have been thinking I would really love to go up to mt charleston and rent a room. Snowy up there. Would love to go to the lodge and drink and cuddle by the fireplace too.

::sigh::

And Valentines day is coming .

I wonder what this Valentines will be like ?

and if it will be different than the last two I had.

I am thinking perhaps it could be. But take it with the wait and see attitude.

Anywho. Thanks again friends for being you

You rock !