Today has been hard. I have cried most of the day. Not really wanting to , but it seems that everything brings tears to my eyes. I haven't slept much in a few days .. and I am hoping to have some time to catch up tomorrow. But I don't think it will happen.

He again handed empty promises. Promised to call . Promised to let me know about the party he was going to go to with me . But no call.  I knew he wouldn't. He has chosen her. I knew he had Monday.

It is a strange feeling ... to not be loved.  Even stranger to care about it. I have been going through my  positive self speech ... praying ... trying desperately not to cut.  Cutting helps ease the  pain... but I am not allowed to .

X texted me ..  I will talk about him in a bit and maybe in another area of this blog.  I will say that X is going to be considered special to me. I told him that I was sad we talked a bit back and forth and he said "You are too cool and too sexy to give over to that shit again"  

It felt good to be told that. When someone leaves you to be with someone they think is better.  He will be sorry one day.. not wishful thinking but a fact.  Real  love ... the unconditional kind... comes along ONCE in a lifetime if you are lucky.  The one that is blind to offenses ...  That doesn't see faults... that loves you regardless of quirks and idiosyncrasies . When you throw that kind of love away... it is a shame. Because it will haunt you all of your days. Especially the ones that are cold and lonely. Because when you don't allow love into your life... cold and lonely is inevitable.  

I can't bear the thought of him touching her, of kissing her ... of being with her. How easy it was to fuck me and then just go to her.  

I will throw myself into what I know, I have almost got my candle site ready. My mom and dad helped me to get wax scents and so much more.  I am looking forward to seeing what happens with it.  I think that I will also keep up with my mentoring program... and i will just take it one day at a time.  I am considering that staying here is probably not my best option .. the opportunity of running into HIM with her... is too easy. That... would end me.

So be happy WarEagle... I hope that you are proud of yourself. Of what you have done. Treasure the tears you got from me.  It must have been quite the joke ... getting me to forgive you so easily... you must have enjoyed the way it twisted. Getting sex .. and then fucking me over fucking with my head... and then abandoning me again.  I hope that you got what you wanted... I hope that you are happy.