Feeling a bit emotional today... my ex's mom passed away today. I really liked Miss B.  My heart is tremendously heavy for him. But he won't let me comfort him. I am not what he wants. I can love him all day long... and he would never receive it and it would never be enough. I want so much for him to know what true love is.. But I will never be the girl that is able to share that with him .  Why is it so hard to stop loving someone.. especially when they don't love you.  Grieving over the loss of my relationship has taken up too much of my heart and time this year.  

I have paid my way this year in tears and loss. 

Oh yeah I have been paying with my health too.

I did my second sleep study. Luis hooked me up to all the wires again... and then tucked me into bed and put  a mask over my nose and my mouth.  I looked at him and wrinkled my nose. 

"This thing makes me feel claustrophobic"

He went and got me a different mask this one fits only over my nose. I laughed listening to the air that was being forced through my nose down my throat. Trying to talk was all airy and strange. Luis was really sweet and got me an extra blanket as he knew I was freezing. 

Then I went to sleep. 

And slept... like REALLY slept.  I woke up the next morning and I felt AWESOME. I had tons of energy and I had no aches anywhere in my body. I honestly don't think I can wait until May fourth to get my machine in my house..

I am nervous... I am feeling .. anxious and scared and all of the things that make me NOT want to go to the doctor tomorrow. 

Tomorrow is the day...  The biopsy day.

Abnormal cell changes at my last ob/gyn visit. So now we do a biopsy on my cervix and possible uterine wall.  This has my heart pounding in my chest. I am truly NOT wanting to go. Part of me wants to bury my head in the sand and hope that it just goes away and i never have to think about it again. But .. unfortunately that is not going to happen. 

So as a send off... my friend S offered to have a play date with me ... What else is a girl gonna do on a Tuesday night?  

So he brought some rope - and some floggers and some other things. 

He tied me up... that wasn't awful.  then he proceded to beat the ever lovin crud out of me double :).    I have to say that hairbrushes are not my favorite implements. I am not a big fan of the stingy toys but i do like things that thud.  The session did bring me to tears and he sweetly said " awww are those for ME?" 

apparently .  Then he brought out the violet wand ... ::shiver::  ok  will say the last time he used such devices he was a lot nicer about it.  This time I squirmed .. granted i giggled alot...  He pulled this metal back scratcher out ... and raked it across my skin with the violet wand running through it ... yes for those who don't know that is electricity.  It is pretty electrifying.. shocking even.  The backscratcher really made me squirm...  I squealed "oh my gosh that is an evil bastard" 

He smiled and laughed and said " I'm an evil bastard"  then he laughed " and what do you have to say about that?" 

I said "Thank you Sir ! May I have another" 

then we both laughed.  Good times..

I guess it will be a little difficult to explain the bruises  to my ob/gyn She will probably give me THAT look when I say something like consensual BDSM play. 

ahhh well. lifes a bitch and then you marry one.  

I am super exhausted... not sleeping for the last three days has kicked my ass