Lots has been going on really. 

I have been so busy that I haven't had much time to keep up with this blog.  I have thougth several times that I really need to write to purge .. to get rid of all the thoughts that constantly plague my mind. But I had a candle show I had to get ready for . That's right kids my candle business kicked up a notch.  I have a vanilla candle company also. It does pretty well . I hand pour every candle and wax tart that gets sold.  

Lucky for me my roommate has been helping me get candles ready. I had to drive two hours to Mesquite to show in a tent for the 3rd annual spring bazzar. Regina (my ex jerk face's friend) went with me   We drove out and set up. When it was discovered that my EX boyfriend Mr. Abbott was setting up his booth outside.  WITH his new girlfriend. 

Mind you this is the girlfriend he said he didn't have.  Right! 

So We were sitting at my booth and said girflriend who is 50 or 60 years old comes up and talks to Regina 

Her : Are you Regina

Regina - yeah who re you?

Her I am with the snack shack and Don... he said you walked by and didn't even say hello

Regina : No I didn't say hello.,

Her : Why not are you mad at him because I am with him. ?

Regina:  No I am not mad at him. because of you I don't even know YOU.  I am mad at him and not speaking to him because he is a liar!

Her : A liar? What do you mean ? that makes me a little frightened.

Regina : You should be ... he lies about everything . If you don't believe me ask his EX girlfriend.

Her : *sideways look in my direction*  Who are you?

Me : I am Shar 

Her : You were his girlfriend ? when did you break up?

Me : He left me in August without a note or a call a fuck you or a good bye.  But he came back in August and we have seen each other off and on a bit since then.

Her: You have?

Me : yeah... Excuse me I have to go to the ladies

This is where I excused myself because I felt ill.  I walked toward the bathroom and walked away. leaving them to talk. Mind you that when I had to go outside I had to walk by the liar's booth.  

He called out to me .. and I was just ..over him talking to me . He had loaned me a table and a chair for the event and I just at this point wanted to go home.  He knew I would be there ... and He knew I wwould find out this way. ASS!  He called me over on my way back from the bathroom and asked how my sales were. I said they were fine. That they were good .. which was true. I then told him since he was at the event I would make sure to get his table and chair to him before he left so there would be no need for pick up.

He looked at me smug and said "well hey I appreciate that" 

Whatever!

I told him hey your girlfriend is at my booth and she is having a nice conversation... 

he said: oh she is is she... he was going to try to tell me it wasn't his girlfriend.. and I just walked away... 

So ... later the new girlfriend I use the term loosely as she is old enough to be his mother.  came back and pressed me how we were seeing each other.  I told her about him coming back in December and that we had spent Christmas together ... and New years. He lied to her and said he was down on the strip with friends.. In reality he took me to dinner and then fucked me at PE.  Apparenlty nine days later he was fucking her too.  Bastard.

She asked me when the last time I slept with him was. I told her she should probably pose that question to him .. 

She looked at me and told me he would only lie to her and that as a woman I should tell her the truth . I told her the last time we were together was a little over a month ago. 

She started crying.  

She had just lost her husband of 33 years and he was her first relationship since . He had moved in 6 weeks ago.  

I felt sick.

I started sobbing . I hugged her and apologized to her.  Told her I would have never slept iwth him if I knew there was another woman. He had told me there was no one in his life. 

LIES... all lies... 

So here I sit... the woman he made a whore... his whore... mistress... and secret. 

He had told her that he had dated me ONCE a long time ago. I told her about the baby and living together and all of it. 

The reality of it all crashed around me ... 

All of my life for the last two and a half years has been a lie. 

I was never special

I was never loved.

He used me. 

Dick!

I have never met anyone as cold as this man ... I do not understand why get someone to love you ... and destroy them. It is like he is a predator and he finds the most fragile women and then he takes them for whatever he wants and then fucks with their hearts and heads and throws them away. 

This started me on a pretty bad downward spiral. I have cried for the last three days.  I wanted permission to cut and get rid of this aching in my soul but was denied.  

Mr. Abbott if you are reading this... I am glad. because here are the truths about you.. maybe the once you can not accept. 

You are a liar... pathologically so... you have gotten to where you believe your own lies... 

You like the sound of your own voice so much you don't even hear the cries of the ones you hurt . Not that , hurting someone would matter - because now I can see that the only one who matters to you is YOU.   You go after fragile and emotionally torn women and you use and use and use... lie and lie and LIE ... and somehow you think that this behavior is ok. 

What do you care you aren't around to watch as the person you have hurt is left to pick up the shattered fragments they are left with. 

You will never be successful at anything because you are all talk and no action. You can't commit to anyone or anything . and honestly until you become honest with yourself and others.. everything you put to task will fail.  You will need to come face to face with realtiy. 

Which shouldn't be to hard .. you have burned every bridge with every person who has ever cared about you... minus the fact that you don't have much family left and the ones you do , you don't really have a relationship with. 

You set this whole scene in motion by having her come to the booth. You knew Regina would tell the truth . You know I don't lie .. but you sent her anyway. My guess is you already had someone on the side ready to take you in because you were through with your lady friend. 

I have no idea when or where but you lost your way.  You need help... and I am not the one to give it to you. I took you back when you came back crying and telling me how wrong you had been and what a bad person you were . I had told you i loved you and i forgave you and you cried harder ...  I thought you were for real... but the only thing real is you deserve an oscar for an amazing fucking acting job. ... 

Be secure in the fact that ... the truth will set you free.  But I don't think you will ever experience that freedom. 

I gave you my heart my soul ... my everything.. my submission... 

and you took me forgranted.

you fucked with my heart ... you fucked with my mind .. you emotional terrorist... 

I am so over liars. 

I have alot of alone time coming up with my surgery on may 13th ... that and the bipsy results are this wednesday. 

I think that I need to find a way to get my power back. To really get my power back. 

I let myself settle because I was with a man who didn't want the same type of relatinship I did. 

But truth is .. I want it all . I want the white picket fence. .. the ring ... the Dom .. the power exchange... the love .. the relationship. I want it all...

Can I have it all?

I don't know ... But I am confident that I will find my place in this world. 

I am confident that I will stand strong ... and I won't give in to the weakness of my emotion.

I will eventually be over him.

As of now.. I am through with him on all levels. 

I can't see how you can be friends much less anything else if there is no truth between you. 

I can and do have the strength to move past this... and be better.. stronger.. and more awesome than ever. 

so fuck you mr. abbott.. fuck you and your scheming bullshit lies.