I have discovered... that all in my life.. is not perfect as of late.

I never really expected perfection... however I would like as close as possible to perfection if possible ... lol

Good news or Bad news ... they all seem to roll over each other... 

I am trying to decide if my dreams of having it all are actually worth the risk of putting my heart out there again. I have put my heart out there .. only to have it returned brusied or broken.

I am not certain really if I could handle my heart being broken again ... after I finally get it glued back together this time.

Am I sitting here pining over the loss of Mr. Abbott? Nope .. How can you lose what you never had?  Am I still angry? I am trying to not be angry because it is not good for my blood pressure and other things.  I have alot going on ... and  I figure if someone can't figure out how awesome I truly am... well .. that is their loss. I can't make or force someone to have feelings for me ... 

Am I still in love with Mr. Abbott?

Good Question... but No I am not.  He killed whatever love was left in my heart .. by making me just a piece of ass on the side.  By lying ...  There is no going back to what ever was. 

Am I sad?

I am sad , because I wasted two years loving someone ... who could not commit their heart to me. While I gave him every part of me freely.  I am sad that I got pregnant during this relationship... Becuase I realize now that me and this child would be alone. He doesn't have a heart that can love ... he is sociopathic in a sense.. he feels no guilt about the hurt he causes.. and narcissistic to the core... All he cares about is himself... that is all he can love.

What will I do now?

Wait and see... 

I would like to believe that I could be loved. That someone would feel I am special enough to share their heart sould and body with me.  To be my Dominant and I their cherished one.  I am not Polyamorous... so I am really a one man woman... and I want him to be a one woman man.  I want to be able to fulfill that man's every fantasy.. need and desire.  I want to give my submission freely, with trust and without the fear of abuse... or the fear of being abandoned once I have given it all.

I wonder sometimes... if God hates me . 

former ministers wife. who has fallen so far. 

But I feel like I was thrown down ... when the minsiter threw me away.

So do I harden my heart. 

Forget hoping and dreaming for love? I don't know. 

I only know that this is not how I figured my life would be.  

It is hard to find the stars in the heavens when you have been cast so far down. 

But here I am trying to find them .  

 But I am tired from the strain. 

But for today I will keep breathing... 

One breath after another

And I will walk ... one foot in front of the other...

Perhaps one day I will find what I look for.