Loads of things to talk about ... so bear with my random spurts of writing

I have been having a trouble sleeping, with that.. I feel sick to my stomach from the lack of rest.  I have a lot that I am doing ... alot of responsibility and even more on my mind. 

I know it seems that I am upset alot or sad.. but I write mostly when something is hurting, it keeps me from doing bad things... Speaking of which we will start this post with some good news....

7 mos with NO cutting ... I have not taken scissors to my flesh in almost 8 months. That is huge. It doesn't mean that I don't still feel the "need" to. It is more the fact that the desire to not cut is so much more important to me.  I am still confessing my need to cut when I want to, and it seems to help.

Now for reason number 1 that I am wanting to cut right now. I have been struggling with a decision to turn off my home phone. I have a cell phone with unlimited minutes and it is expensive to pay for it ... it doesn't seem that paying an additional 32.00 a month is a good thing especially when I am trying to cut expenses. I know that this should be an easy decision, but it isn't . There is the reason that it makes it so difficult to do it. That is my former stepchildren. I have kept my phone in tact hoping and waiting that maybe one day... one of them would call.  But not a call in two years. I am caught hanging in the balance, do I continue to hope foolishly.. praying and hoping that a phone call will come in... OR do I just say enough is enough they are not going to call... and let the phone service go.

I have cried for days because it feels so final if I cut the phone service off... that is it.  finality.

but because it is final does not mean that .. there is closure. Is there ever closure with children when love is unconditional? I am not sure.

Which brings up my ex husband-- That is a closed door.  I came to the realization the other day that I don't care if he is alive or dead... How sad is that. He has become a non person to me.  But here is the thing... What he did in the course of our ten years of life together left me traumatized. It makes it very difficult to be in any type of relationship, because I am always waiting for someone to hurt me . Whether cheat on me .. verbally, mentally, emotionally, sexually, or physically abuse me. The point is I want to heal.  There are two things that I feel I must do in order to do this. The first is to write a letter to him addressing the items of trauma... mind you i do not plan to send this letter. Only purge it from my heart and soul.  I may post that letter here.  I hope that YOU my readers will be supportive and try to understand that I am taking giant steps to do this.  I have always held things in. Afraid to feel.. because feeling was pain.. and emotional pain is too great for me to deal with so ... it starts a vicious cycle of  cutting, which was started by HIS abuse in the first place.  The second part of that is moving on to forgiveness. I felt very convicted over something I said the other day blipping tunes. I played "Heart of the Matter " by India Arie  a cover of a Don Henley song.  In the tag I said ...

True forgiveness is forgetting what they have done no matter how broken they left you...

I want to have that kind of forgiveness in my heart. I really do.

My friend Jewel did a video on youtube I am posting it here. I wonder how many women are out there that read my blog who suffer abuse.. that need help.

I am here for you ... You can be free..

I am always amazed by how creative she is. This is from her personal experience..

I am really looking forward to my trip to colorado to see my friend SuzieQ We have been friends since our freshman year of high school, AND she is 7 days older than me . I will be going to Aspen first and staying one nite .. and then the next day I will be having a spa day. Then Down to Durango ... and then Lewis Colorado to visit my friend.  Possibly going to Denver to visit with Jewel and her guy ... and some friends... that could be fun.

I am on pins and needles 13 more days til i leave and I gotta tell you I am soooo looking forward to it. I haven't been on a vacation vacation ... since i was a kid with my parents.

YAY...

Well I am off to make lunch for work tomorrow...

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