To My Former Husband--

I never confronted you. Never confronted you when you said hurtful, and abusive things. Never confronted you when you screamed at me unmercifully. Never confronted you when you hit me , or held me down, sat on my chest laughing as I cried. Never confronted you as you backed me into a closet. Or bullied me when you wanted something I didn't want to give. I never confronted you, when you didn't protect me from your family, or their hateful accusations. When I did confront on my suspicions of affairs or other more heinous events I suspected , I was told I was crazy, and how could I be sick like that?

I never confronted you when you left me-- leaving me crying, with your parting gift of telling me what a bad wife I was. Of telling all of our friends from our church that I not YOU was having an affair. Me who I would never consider infidelity.

When you dated me you promised me, that you would be different. That because of our shared faith .. because of our shared values that YOU would cherish me above all others. That you would never harm me.

After we married... Six weeks in the first instance of abuse. But you were oh so apologetic. It would never happen again. and it took awhile for another instance but there was another. Of breaking your hand on me...

I have tried very hard in the last two years to not only understand why someone would do these things to someone they claim they love. BUT how they could justify it. Then the worse news from your oldest daughter.. one year from our divorce-- Yes.. you did have affairs. yes you had been having an affair the last one to two years of our marriage.. and the worst truth made known you were molesting your daughters. Your own daughters? How could you do that? How could you break the most loving trust ever given than that of a child to a parent. How could you violate your own flesh and blood without a thought other than yourself.

How could you hurt me? When all I did was love you?

How could you molest your own daughters under my nose? behind my back? I don't understand this? I don't plan on trying.

After two years, I have come to see that you never loved me. I was a convenient wife--Someone who could be your occasional outlet for sex , A mother to I am your children, someone to keep the house clean.. an extra income. I can see from this standpoint that I was a means to and end.

It was a hard ten years, It has been a hard two years. But one I am actually grateful, for having. Without these two years, I would have never been able to see how strong I really am. I would never have known my deepest nightmares would be reality but I could stand up and face them . and SURVIVE.

I forgive you Mr. O. I forgive you for all of the crimes you committed against me. For the bruises, for keeping me from friends and family, of excluding me of time with family and keeping me seperate. For hitting and screaming and namecalling. I forgive you, for all sins committed against me. I can not forgive you for the crimes against your daughters. My stepdaughters. That is between you ..God.. and your daughters.

I am moving on with my life.

A marriage happened and it was bad. I am glad for being able to be a mother, if only for a short time.

And to people outside this situation I am sure that they would never be able to understand my forgiveness. But again I am moving on.

I can not have a relationship with someone and carry all of the baggage you have placed on my shoulders with me. Not if I want it to work.

I think that I am deserving of finding someone who truly cares for me.. who will maybe love me one day. How can I return that love, in it's truest form, if I have hate in my heart for you.

So I forgive you.

and I hope that one day you will seek help for the sickness in your soul.