I have always been great at giving advice! 

Sometimes I wish that I had been smart like Lucy Van Pelt and charged people ...

I know that sounds trumped up ... but it is true... 

I have random people who come to me and share their lives with me. People I know and alot of people I don't know. I don't just randomly give advice to anyone. Honestly!

Take for instance the other night at dinner... 

I was talking with a friend and I had overheard her conversation with her little sister. She had made a comment about their parents that wasn't very favorable.  I thought I would talk to my friend and told her that the way her parents raised her and the way they are raising her sister are different experiences, and she needed to scale back being derogatory when discussing the parents and how she feels about them , when talking to her sister.

We talked more about it... and I apologized if I had overstepped, but I thought that she should think about it.  Kids never seem to think of their parents as bad.. Even if it is a bad situation.

For me it is a little different... I don't mind listening to people. I love being trusted with people's confessions and stories.  I think it is amazing that people would share themselves with me in such an intimate manner.

However~*

Taking advice is probably another story. I honestly feel bad for some people including my mother who offer sound advice , that I really don't feel applies to me at times. 

Do I always disregard advice?

Well.. No that would be stupid on my part.

But sometimes people give me advice that doesn't really apply to my situation...  Or they give me advice that in some part makes me feel unsure, or unsafe.  It isn't that I am not listening, it is more like self preservation.

I have been in self preservation mode for the last few weeks.

I feel like my life is attacking me and it makes it difficult for me to breathe at times.  I just want the world to stop, so that I can take a vacation from the madness. 

I am completely honest about my struggles.. Especially with cutting , or the desire to cut. But especially the desire NOT to cut.  I am honest about my life.. my feelings. I may not be right all of the time .. but I admit that too.  I can and do admit when I am wrong.

I put my life out in a public forum.  That leaves for a lot of judgement.  People tend to judge me by their perception of me without really knowing me, Yes ... I write about sexy things.. or sexy topics.. or things that have happened in my life.. I also write about fantasy and fiction. Does that make me a whore..

No it just means that I have a healthy view about sex.. Or I am sex positive.

It doesn't mean that I sleep with just anyone because I have a vagina.

My mom probably still reads my blog even after I have told her to stay away.. She can be nosy like that. She found my blog and kind of said "tsk tsk tsk .. Is that the girl you want people to think you are?"

Well it doesn't matter what people think!

What people think and What or Who I am ... may be two different things.  I am multi-faceted like a gem. On one side yes I am a sexual person.. But on the other I am a church going .. girl who loves kids and dogs and the American way.  The same girl who likes to cook , and giggle and cuddle. The one who wants desperately to be loved "for real" . 

 For years I listened to people give me advice on "Why I wasn't getting pregnant" Or "Why I kept losing babies". 

Well meaning indeed. But also hurtful and insensitive. 

That is when to protect myself, I began telling people that I really didn't want to be a mother.  (a lie)

That for a change I wanted to be in a relationship and kids didn't get inthe way (also a lie)

I am sure there are alot of other excuses that I have stated which were completely false.

Which in the truth of the matter, I couldn't bear to lose another baby. It is devastating. I also realize that I am 43 years old and having a child at this juncture in my life is not the best idea. The risk of having a child with serious problems or Downs syndrome is high.  I have no problem raising a child with problems. I would have welcomed the opportunity if I was 23 , but with me and my age,  My thoughts tend to push to the future, and that I don't have a lifetime left. I have the rest of this life.  A baby that is 43 years or more younger than me would probably need alot of care should they have problems. ... would need care the rest of their life.

And I don't have anyone... who could love and care for that child ... for the rest of their lifetime.

So I made a painful decision to get an IUD.

This was AGAINST the advice of those that cared about me.

But it was the best decision for me.

I have good instances of good advice.. that I have taken.  When I was speaking with HIM- we had been having a good conversation when our talk turned to spiritual matters.  HE asked me when the last time I had been to church was.. I sheepishly answered "2 years....?"  Then I started crying.  "I explained I had a hard time going because I feel like God hates me, that I feel like I am under his constant scrutiny and punishment and I am not even sure why."  Then I went on to babble about how "angry I am that I am going through the things I am .. but people like my ex husband have it easy and go unpunished .. not just for their sins but their crimes." And HE very calmly said "You know better... God does NOT hate you and I think you should go"  I felt like a little girl ... crying and sucking in my lip and nodding because I couldn't answer.  He was right tho. I did need to go and I did.  Have I been back? No.. but that is because I feel so overwhelmed when I am there. 

Do you ever feel buried by your life?

Because I do...

I don't drink or do recreational drugs.  I tend to try to meet things head on .. but it is hard somedays. 

I worry constantly about disappointing people or having people give up on me or ... just up and quit me and leave. I have definite separation anxiety.

But then I am guilty of pushing people away also.. When I feel to much. I push. Because somewhere deep inside I KNOW that they are eventually going to leave anyway.

So how do you advise the advise giver ?   I  am not even sure  I know .  What advice am I giving right now? What advice am I taking ?