Ok so I know that alot of couples out there are poly-am or swingers.. or the open relationship...

There are also the monogamus out there..

So here is the new topic..

How to affair proof your relationship.. Please be sure to add your comments as I am going to be writing on this ... do tell...

Honestly, I don't think there's a way to "affair proof" a relationship. You can't control what other people are going to do. I've tried so many ways to ensure my boyfriend's didn't cheat and nothing worked with the ones that cheated. Either they're going to cheat because that's the way they are or they're going to be faithful because that's the way they are.

Your best option is just to be faithful to yourself, to your needs. Don't put up with bull shit. If he cheats, then kick his ass to the curb. Right there. No second chances. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I've never known anyone that cheated once and then never did it again, no matter how hard they claimed they tried. If they know you'll take them back, they will keep doing it. Same goes for any kind of abuse.

I think that it's as simple as NEVER taking someone you love, lust for for granted.  Affairs usually happen because of neglect, and boredom.  When you first start to date someone, everything is wonderful and new.  You have to make that same thing happen every day after.  And do impetous things that keep your partner guessing. 

When you feel wanted, desired, lusted after, it's rare that you're looking around.  If you don't feel any spark, any passion, you tend to want to find a way to fill that void.  Everybody wants to feel that they're desired! NEVER let your paramour think that they are ANYTHING but the center of your universe, and that nothing is out of bounds, no fetish too weird/kinky, and that you two can explore EVERY desire together. 

If you were treated with that kind of passion, would you really be looking for someone new?

wow two really valid points... I have been considering how men are more logical and physical beings.. and women are more emotional.. it makes me ponder the 'whys' of said affairs.. what needs aren't being met and how to openly and intimately discuss them to make a relationship bettter.. hmm what say you?

Okay, to your point - Men are more logical/physical, women more emotional.  Men DO tend to crave more physical attention, but what's forgotten is that sometimes it's as simple as tactile sensation.  Being hugged, caressed, laid on.  Sex is a stronger, physiological urge, and for me, it make me feel more connected with someone I love.  They are sharing a VERY intimate part of themselves, giving to me.  THAT can be an emotional trigger.  Men are just wired a little differently, is all!

Women DO need more emotional sensation.  Being told they are vibrant, beautiful sexual creatures.  Being MADE to feel sexy!  Painting mental pictures that create fantasy.  And physiology plays JUST as important a part!  Ever have incredible sex after a fight?  After laughing your ass off?  Strong flairs of emotion are a trigger for women.  And NO woman I've ever met has EVER liked a man that they completely understand.  There always has to be a LITTLE mystery, a little danger, a little question mark, be kept just a LITTLE off balance. 

And I think that's a key on both sides.  Does that person make you feel alive?  Desired?  Do they even try?  Of course some people just weren't meant to be in a relationship with each other, but I'd be willing to bet, if you took at what drove you together, and what's missing, you'd probably find the key to relighting the  fire...

Eithrael at 01:28AM on Jan 27, 2009

I agree that never taking the other person for granted is a HUGE deal. I've also been cheated on while showing my SO all the attention and affection a guy could have wanted. No matter now neglected I feel in a relationship, I will leave before I cheat. It still depends on the person.

I completely agree on leaving before you cheat. And I do believe it depends on the person.  Me? I am completely a monogamy girl I was cheated on by all my exes. So that is where insecurity comes in of Can I be enough for someone .. or am I doing it all wrong . It is maddening to put all you have into a relationship and still not be enough.

DNA Cowboy at 01:50AM on Jan 27, 2009

Okay, to your point - Men are more logical/physical, women more emotional.  Men DO tend to crave more physical attention, but what's forgotten is that sometimes it's as simple as tactile sensation.  Being hugged, caressed, laid on.  Sex is a stronger, physiological urge, and for me, it make me feel more connected with someone I love.  They are sharing a VERY intimate part of themselves, giving to me.  THAT can be an emotional trigger.  Men are just wired a little differently, is all!

Women DO need more emotional sensation.  Being told they are vibrant, beautiful sexual creatures.  Being MADE to feel sexy!  Painting mental pictures that create fantasy.  And physiology plays JUST as important a part!  Ever have incredible sex after a fight?  After laughing your ass off?  Strong flairs of emotion are a trigger for women.  And NO woman I've ever met has EVER liked a man that they completely understand.  There always has to be a LITTLE mystery, a little danger, a little question mark, be kept just a LITTLE off balance. 

And I think that's a key on both sides.  Does that person make you feel alive?  Desired?  Do they even try?  Of course some people just weren't meant to be in a relationship with each other, but I'd be willing to bet, if you took at what drove you together, and what's missing, you'd probably find the key to relighting the  fire...

ok I agree and respectfully disagree on some of the points made here. I believe everyone gives/feels/receives love differently. I  For instance ... You appear to be a "words" person. You like to give and hear words of affirmation. Which is awesome .. But to me that is like speaking a foreign language.

Me? I am all about physical touch/ closeness. and quality time.

Others may want people to "do"  the whole actions speak louder than words thing.  Running an errand .. or something random that makes their day easier.

Some people feel more valued by gift giving /receiving.

So I don't think just telling someone is key. I think it all depends on what "love language" they speak and hear..

Read the Five love languages.. it will totally make sense ..

This should have been open 3 months ago. LOL That is how long my wife  has been cheating on me.  I thought we were over it but the OM showed up at my kids basketball game last night.  After the game i went to talk to the team and when i turned around she had gone over to talk to him.  So i guess it is still going on. SIGH

Kimball at 08:54AM on Jan 28, 2009

This should have been open 3 months ago. LOL That is how long my wife  has been cheating on me.  I thought we were over it but the OM showed up at my kids basketball game last night.  After the game i went to talk to the team and when i turned around she had gone over to talk to him.  So i guess it is still going on. SIGH

Oh honey, I am so sorry.. I can only imagine what you are feeling right now. My good thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope that you find a way to resolve the problem .. you know minus making one or the other disappear . I am kidding of course.

Let me know if you need to talk.

shibarir at 11:41AM on Jan 27, 2009

DNA Cowboy at 01:50AM on Jan 27, 2009

Okay, to your point - Men are more logical/physical, women more emotional.  Men DO tend to crave more physical attention, but what's forgotten is that sometimes it's as simple as tactile sensation.  Being hugged, caressed, laid on.  Sex is a stronger, physiological urge, and for me, it make me feel more connected with someone I love.  They are sharing a VERY intimate part of themselves, giving to me.  THAT can be an emotional trigger.  Men are just wired a little differently, is all!

Women DO need more emotional sensation.  Being told they are vibrant, beautiful sexual creatures.  Being MADE to feel sexy!  Painting mental pictures that create fantasy.  And physiology plays JUST as important a part!  Ever have incredible sex after a fight?  After laughing your ass off?  Strong flairs of emotion are a trigger for women.  And NO woman I've ever met has EVER liked a man that they completely understand.  There always has to be a LITTLE mystery, a little danger, a little question mark, be kept just a LITTLE off balance. 

And I think that's a key on both sides.  Does that person make you feel alive?  Desired?  Do they even try?  Of course some people just weren't meant to be in a relationship with each other, but I'd be willing to bet, if you took at what drove you together, and what's missing, you'd probably find the key to relighting the  fire...

ok I agree and respectfully disagree on some of the points made here. I believe everyone gives/feels/receives love differently. I  For instance ... You appear to be a "words" person. You like to give and hear words of affirmation. Which is awesome .. But to me that is like speaking a foreign language.

Me? I am all about physical touch/ closeness. and quality time.

Others may want people to "do"  the whole actions speak louder than words thing.  Running an errand .. or something random that makes their day easier.

Some people feel more valued by gift giving /receiving.

So I don't think just telling someone is key. I think it all depends on what "love language" they speak and hear..

Read the Five love languages.. it will totally make sense ..

Honey, I feel EXACTLY the same way!  Touch DOES make all the difference in the world.  I'm an INCREDIBLY tactile person.  Spending a Saturday, Sunday morning in bed, just reveling in the sensation of your lover's warm body, being able to caress, enjoy their physical presense is 1000 times better than the words of endearment.  Sex is easy.  True affection is something quite different, and in my mind, more sensual.  It is words, but you ARE right, in that it is deeds.  that commitment to the one you love to close out the world, and be with them, love them, touch them, hold them, kiss them is SO much more powerful!

So many people that I know that have left their Other complained about the lack of touch.  It's hard to point to just one thing that causes relationships to break but the lack of touch seems to be one of the primary ones. 

Accepting change in your mate and they with you is also key.  If you can have good communication, you can avoid stepping in traps.

But all that said, with all the affection in the world and even if you think you understand someone you never know where they might break.  Humans are like quicksilver that way.

Lack of touch nothing. The dying piece of the puzzle in many relationships is the ability to be honest or true. Too many people feel the little white lie is an ok thing to have in a relationship. And then the white lies turn into bigger lies, to the point of just not being able to believe your partner anymore. Honesty, trust, and the ability to be faithful will come over all before touch and all the affectionate virtues of the relationship even come into play. If you cant trust someone? How in the world can you love some one.

Honesty and trust are huge... they're the foundation of a relationship.  But even if you have a solid foundation, other issues (lack of affection, touch, emotional connection, quality time, appreciation, etc.) can cause the relationship to crack.  Having the foundation without the rest of the relationship won't work, just as having the rest of the relationship without the foundation won't work.  What a complicated topic...

lalana at 01:09PM on Feb 26, 2009

Honesty and trust are huge... they're the foundation of a relationship.  But even if you have a solid foundation, other issues (lack of affection, touch, emotional connection, quality time, appreciation, etc.) can cause the relationship to crack.  Having the foundation without the rest of the relationship won't work, just as having the rest of the relationship without the foundation won't work.  What a complicated topic...

It is a complicated subject thus a great forum topic..  I am not sure there is any answer. I know that if I am in a relationship, if someone is being a turd to me, or they have broken a major trust with me. I think about straying to pay it forward . I know that sounds like a weird statement, but i get sick to fucking death of feeling used ... or talked down to.. or treated like an idiot, when I am pouring myself int someone 100 percent.  (rant over) So yeah .. cracked foundations eh? I get it .. i SO get it

I would say it is impossible to affair-proof your relationship. There is no list of attitudes or activities that will guarantee that your partner will never cheat. You can't control the actions of another person. Of course there are things one can (and should -- must!) do to nurture a relationship. You must choose not to cheat and trust that your partner makes the same choice.

But I would never recommend that anyone take relationship advice from me....